Honestly, since Christmas I’ve really struggled with maintaining my weight.
This journey comes and goes in waves, and you never get a chance to really get comfortable. Much like the fab diets, the phases of time where you work out 6 times a week and feel super driven, the “New Year, New Me” vibe… my journey has very much ebbed and flowed. Some months maintaining my weight feels easy, effortless even. Other months I stress about every piece of carrot I eat and obsess over that number on the scale.
This journey is a constant game of adjustment and re-evaluation. You need to keep your goals in mind without focusing too hard on them. The number is important because it costs you a monthly membership in my case, but you remind yourself it’s also about how you feel. If the number doesn’t reflect how you feel it’s okay, but eventually you’re going to need the two to line up.
After years of working out, you’re still surprised when you step on the scale a day later and see your weight has gone up. You still question if you’re doing this right. There’s constantly adjustments. That fitness lifestyle and habit grows with you, and sometimes you’ll find yourself worrying more about fitting that workout in than you should. You hate that you need to balance this aspect with everything else life throws at you. On top of a crazy few weeks of work, my hardest semester of school, and a wedding that’s a mere 3 months away- I still find myself pressuring my schedule to fit 2 workouts in a week. Is two workouts a week enough? Am I in the shape I want to be in for (arguably) the biggest day of my life? You still question yourself at many turns.
A few months back my sister introduced Eric and I to her friend. She mentioned our wedding was coming up and one of the first questions this woman asked me was “oh my god, are you living in the gym? Do you plan to lose weight?” I responded with “no but….” Before her daughter started running away and I could proclaim that “I’ve already lost 70lbs” or “I’m actually kind of what I consider to be fairly fit already”.
Not being able to get my stupid response in still bugs me to this day.
Should I be living in the gym? Why am I not living on lettuce and chicken like so many brides out there?
Ha. Like I could live on lettuce and chicken…
I’m still learning. I still need the reminder that a girl has got to live. I’m fine-tuning the plan for handling the pressure of work, school, being a bride, as well as maintaining my health and fitness lifestyle every single day. I’m letting it go that I don’t get to write as often as I used to. It’s an outlet I’ve had to scale back on and allow walking or meditation (or wine) to butt in front when it comes to all the things that need to get done in my day or week.
One simply cannot do everything, and in today’s speed of life, I feel like we need to remind ourselves of this more than ever.
So, currently I’m working on getting comfortably back to 135lbs. I feel like I’m exercising more than I did when I was maintaining no problem. I’m drinking more water than I knew was possible. I’m tracking and following the new WW Freestyle program. I’m dedicated and focused on just keeping up with it. I’m frustrated sometimes. The salt still hangs in me too long, my muscles don’t recover from a workout as fast as I wished they would. I’m stressed to the max and assuming that’s affecting things. I’m excited and sleepless some nights and trying my best to function some days.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in these last few months of living in what feels like pure chaos, it’s that prioritizing worries will make everything more handle-able. I can’t change that I stress about my weight, but I can avoid getting down on myself for it. There’s little point in getting upset about a friend letting me down, all I can do is move on and learn from it. There’s not much I can do about those nights I lay in bed wondering whether I chose the right colors for the wedding… but I can knock myself out with melatonin the next night. Prioritizing and adjusting the plan… that has basically been the plan.
You can’t change things, you just learn to manage them. Pick the things that are most important and allow yourself to tackle them first, whether it’s the right decision in the grand scheme of things or not. All we can do is continue through the motions and hope that one of these days, things will get a little easier.