I’ve meant to write this for a while now. Maybe I needed to experience everything and feel what I needed to feel. You see, I’ve come to a lot of realizations lately. I’ve been on a path to self-discovery and it’s been quite remarkable.
It started around when the anxiety usually starts; exam time. For some reason the added stress of school in this last year seems to be what started to tip the scale for me. Nothing really felt unmanageable before, but with being in school and our wedding quickly approaching, sleeping started getting harder, my heart rate was holding higher, chest feeling heavier, and my emotions less controllable. This seemed to be around the time when my weight felt unsustainable as well.
I snack even more when I’m stressed out and tired (as if a bag of popcorn is going to give me the answers I’m so desperately seeking). Wrestles sleeps lead to worse decision making at mealtime. I’m tired and I simply care a lot less about what I put into my body. I’m lazy and not up for the gym. Some people aren’t themselves when they’re hungry (thanks Snickers), but I’m not myself when I’m tired and stressed out.
Anyways, like a sign from the universe, on one of those unmanageable days, I happened to see a post on Instagram. “Girl, Wash Your Face”. A book that drove one of my beautiful Instagram friends to tears and laughter within the first 2 chapters. For some reason I wasted no time getting my butt to Chapters that night to get it, like something inside me was saying “you need this book.”
I read the thing cover to cover in about 4 days. It was just me and my new best friend Rachel.
Page after page I was reminded of the struggles many women and men are going through, and her ideas on handling (or not handling) them felt refreshing. I was obsessed with her humor, poise, and compassion. Just about everything in that book felt relatable. I even read the chapters on being a mom and thought to myself “this is exactly what I’ll be like. These are exactly the struggles I’ll go through. That’s the exact guilt I’ll feel”.
I was skeptical when I read somewhere that it was clear the book was published by a Christian company and her beliefs were front and center in the book. As a non-religious person myself, I thought it was important to understand and enjoy that part of her, as she explained her love and acceptance of us non-religious folk as well. At the core, we’re all just human, and all just trying to find our way in this world.
So night after night, chapter after chapter, I was more driven to be better. It started some sort of rumble within my soul. I know this sounds crazy, but somewhere between that trip to Chapters, and the last page of “Girl, Wash Your Face” – I was ignited. I feel such a sense of clarity lately, and not in the sense of having all the answers but knowing it’s okay not to.
Lately I feel lighter, like the weight of my self-consciousness and fears have been lifted off my chest. I’m more in control of my emotions, and realistic about my expectations. I’ve also started feeling more deeply connected to my partner. I’ve found myself seeking out and enjoying a balance between meeting my needs and wanting to fulfill his as well (I’ve even caught myself when I started pushing this newfound motivation on him and reminded myself it’s okay if he isn’t feeling it like I am).
I’m actively seeking out new ways to improve myself and my happiness.
All from that one decision to go pick up a book. And maybe for you it’s a class. Maybe it’s walking through the doors at Weight Watchers. Maybe for you that first step is just taking a minute to yourself or treating yourself to springtime flowers. You deserve it. You deserve that help, that support, you have the right to want to improve your wellbeing.
The question is; what are YOU waiting for?